U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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