She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Someone signed my nipple.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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