WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
