I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
