Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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