so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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