I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
