break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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