3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
