Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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