I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
