I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
