Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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