As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
