So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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