Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
