I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize