he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
