i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Can you repeat that, but with context?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
