Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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