my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I wish there were birth control emojis
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize