I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
