and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
