I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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