I think I died a long time ago.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
