I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
