If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
