if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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