theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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