Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
