Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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