Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I need a burrito and a hug.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
