You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
