I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I have aggressive nipples.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
