It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
