i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
