Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
