??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
