I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
When are your genitals available?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
