I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
