literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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