I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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