where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
