if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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