Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize