I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The struggles of a small town man whore
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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