dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
