He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
