haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize