I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
