i permit you to call me
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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