You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
