Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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