idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
