When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
