i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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