how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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