I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize