He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
