Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
