Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize