come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
