The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
