It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
