Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
