I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
