dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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