Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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