There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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