You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just invented taco cereal.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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