Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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