More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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