Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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