He disabled his match.com account in front of me
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
