8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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