you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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