Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
